Quotes of the year: football

Irish Football

“I remember hearing about Brian Clough trying to get Archie Gemmill to sign, he slept on his sofa. That’s what I’d do with Stephen (Ireland) … well, I wouldn’t sleep on his sofa, I would sleep outside his house to try and get him back.” — Roy Keane — who we’ll be hearing of a lot of here — advising Giovanni Trapattoni to invest in a sleeping bag.

“We are arguing about Henry when we should be erecting a statue to him … when I think that certain politicians want to replay the match… they don’t even know if the ball is round or oval and they would be the first to come and drink champagne in South Africa. The replay? I’ll do it when you want on a PlayStation.” — A remorseful Patrice Evra after Ireland’s World Cup exit to France.

“In the case of Thierry Henry’s handling of the ball … an entire nation has taken on the role of unjustly oppressed victim — something the Irish do well, having had several centuries of practice.” — Dominic Lawson writing in the Sunday Times. How can you justly oppress a victim, by the way?

“I want to pay tribute to the Irish team and their fans, what they did over two matches — they gave us a lot of problems and I want to congratulate them. I’m disappointed for them and their public. But bravo to them.” —– A puke-inducing Raymond Domenech.

“France were there for the taking and Ireland never grabbed it. The usual stuff. Afraid of that next step. Mentally not strong enough. They can complain all they want, it’s not going to change – France are going to the World Cup, get over it. We don’t want sympathy… it’s the usual carry-on, boring. Bore you to death, they would. Boring.” — Roy Keane offers us a shoulder to cry on.

One Liveline caller to Joe: “I’m fuming over that Roy Keane fella, Joe. The cheek of him. The men of 1916 would be spinning in their graves.”

Joe Duffy: “Listen to him again Anto (the tape of Keane’s press conference), you can interrupt him if you want.”

Anto: “Interrupt him? I’d knock him out if I got my hands on him. The cheek of him. He was a great player but I tell ya Joe, as a manager he’s s**t. Even his Cork people — and I’ve never heard them do it before — even they’re calling him a langer. And that’s what he is: a langer.”

Joe: “Thanks Anto.”

Anto: “Good luck.”

“The comments were perhaps over the top. I apologise to anyone I offended. I’m only 38 and will make mistakes.” — A contrite-ish sounding Keane.

“Obviously I am very disappointed for the Irish boys. But I do not believe games should be replayed, if you start doing that it will be chaos. Lets face it we (Germany) lost a World Cup final to England when the ball didn’t cross the line. Can we replay that now?” — Stoke City’s Robert Huth on the chances of the 1966 final being re-staged.

“I think that Raymond Domenech is the worst coach in French football since Louis XVI.” — Eric Cantona, sounding like he wouldn’t mind the French coach suffering the same fate as poor auld Louis: the guillotine.

“I handled it, I admit it, but I’m not the referee. Squillaci jumped and the ball fell to me. I played it and we scored, but it was the referee’s decision. That’s why the Irish all ran to him, not to me. — Henry. Let’s draw a line there.

“Football is concrete. We are not a theatre, La Scala or Madison Square Garden — it’s football. Football is ball, pitch, opponent and mentality, that’s football. Results are results, a show is a show and results are different to the show. That is our belief.” — Giovanni Trapattoni. No, us neither.

“It’s a purely personal decision for him, but I hope his ambitions lie with England. With all due respect to Ireland he is from Sheffield which is right in the middle of England the last time I looked.” — former Bolton manager Gary Megson, map in hand, suggesting Gary Cahill should resist becoming a boy in green.

“I described it to someone as me managing Leitrim against France — not just that, but if Leitrim was scattered around 18 islands out in the middle of the sea, where they had no near neighbours who could play them in games.” — Brian Kerr on the challenge that faced him and the Faroe Islands.

“We must remember that we have different material to work with — Italy have silk, whereas I only have cotton.” — Trapattoni pays tribute to his players.

“I only met Fergie once. I said hello to him one day so he knew straight away I was Irish. He told me he had enough Irish players with Roy Keane and Denis Irwin, so I guess that was another hint for me to hit the road.” — Stephen Ireland on his trial at Manchester United.

“If he left everybody out of the squad who was singing that night, there’d probably be only two people in the squad — and that’s only because they didn’t know the songs we were singing.” — Andy Reid on his Giovanni Trapattoni-imposed exile. Sometimes it helps not to like Oasis.

“I know there’s an embargo on mentioning Andy Reid and Stephen Ireland, but…” — Eamon Dunphy couldn’t help himself.

“For God’s sake you could even see the handball on Google Earth.” — Dara O Briain watched the match in Paris in a novel way.

“Dunphy, he should know better. He’s a skinny rat, a little skinny rat.”— Stephen Hunt goes in two-footed.

“I can’t get over it. I’ve has so many sleepless nights thinking about it. And they show it on TV 20 times a day, so it’s hard to forget. I know we have to move on but then we’ll get it again next year when the World Cup is on. It just beggars belief. The officials have since said it isn’t their fault. It’s all a load of bollocks. And all that rabbitting on from Blatter? That’s bollocks too.” — But what does Shay Given REALLY think?

“C’est la vie.” — William Gallas should’ve just conducted his post-match interview in a beret, with a string of onions round his neck.

“I am out of here,” — Paul Doolin says farewell to Cork City after an eventful year on Leeside.

General football

“I haven’t got the word power of a Wordsworth, Milton or Chaucer, so I just told him he was brilliant.” —
Martin O’Neill after Emile Heskey wandered lonely as a cloud.

“I have not recovered after the Slovenian fiasco. I can call my state prostration. At the moment nothing spurs me to life. When Arsene Wenger asked me how I was feeling I honestly said that I just did not want to play football.” — at least Andrey Arshavin felt as bad as us after the Russians lost to Slovenia in the play-offs.

“That’s part of the territory. I wouldn’t go out and get drunk and start falling around or pulling some old slag tomorrow night, would I? I’m not that stupid. Because somebody will catch you out. Having said that, Tiger Woods didn’t do too bad.” — Harry Redknapp. He’s old school.

“He’s stopped putting things in his throat, basically. It’s quite simple.” — Sunderland boss Steve Bruce on Andy Reid’s slimming success. Expect a diet book.

“We all want to keep our heads down and do as well as we can. But it’s difficult keeping your head down at six feet seven.” — Peter Crouch bemoans the attention his robot dancing garners.

“She was considering her future, shall we say. But we saved the girl. Sweet talk, you can say.” — Phil Brown and the infamous girl on the bridge comment.

“I’ve prohibited her from complaining about life in England. Since then there have been no more criticisms.” — Arshavin again, this time on putting a gagging order on his wife.

“Diving is something the England lads don’t do.” — John Terry. John meet Stevie. Wayne this is John…

“We’ll probably ride out in the sunset together.” — Alex Ferguson revealing that his retirement plans include a horse, Arsene Wenger and Brokeback Mountain. Maybe.

“Comparing Van Basten with Ibrahimovic is like comparing Picasso with Rothko.” — Fabio Capello goes all abstract.

“Liverpool are out of the FA Cup. And apologies if you missed seeing that decisive goal …” — An embarrassed Steve Rider after ITV cut to ads just before Everton got their extra-time winner.